Page 22 - Powerful Feminine Qualities

Today if you do not have a college education, if you are not a doctor, scientist, an I.T. person or have some kind of
profession, then people consider you less fortunate. Indian marriage websites have the following advertisements,
“Daughter of a Brahmin family has a PhD in psychology. Will only marry a Brahmin who has a PhD.” Not only do you
have to be born in a Brahmin family, but you must also have a PhD. This high threshold for a choice of a husband
restricts the number of applicants. However, notice it does not mention any spiritual qualification other than mere
birth in a Brahmana family.
I know a lady who is well-educated and very intelligent. She has never been married. One day, I asked her, “How come
you never got married?”
She said, “I never found a man who was as intelligent as I.”
I said, “Did you want to have a family?”
“Oh, yes! I really wanted to have a family.”
She limited herself because of her presumptuous elitism. Now let us look at Gandhari, the wife of Dhritarastra. She
was much more qualified than her husband was. She was a highly accomplished yogini who mastered mystic powers
by virtue of her self-control, chastity, and faithfulness to her husband. She steadily followed the instructions of her
spiritual mentors. Her husband was blind, but she was not. The day Gandhari married Dhritarastra she purposely put
on blindfolds over her eyes for the rest of her life so that she would never think herself superior to her husband. She
understood the psychology of the husband-wife relationship to keep peace and harmony in her marriage.

The essential dynamics for the harmonious husband-wife relationship
In the third Canto of Srimad Bhagavatam (SB 3.23. 1–8), the history of Devahuti and Kardama Muni is a study in proper
psychology of the husband-wife relationship. Devahuti was the daughter of Svayambhuva Manu, the main progenitor
of living entities in the universe. She belonged to the highest echelon of prominent society in the universe. She chose
to accept Kardama Muni, a renounced sage living an austere life, as her husband. She did not look for a husband who
was wealthy or inclined toward sense gratification. Her preoccupation was to marry a devotee of Lord Vishnu
(Krishna), a Vaishnava. With great love and affection, Devahuti served her illustrious husband and pleased him in every
way. She was a sadhvi – a chaste and faithful wife who participated in devotional service with her husband. When the
husband and wife serve together to please Lord Krishna, their bond of love and mutual dedication to the Lord unite
them in an unbreakable union of fidelity.
The psychology of men and women differ. A man naturally wants to be superior to a woman physically and mentally. A
woman will naturally accept to be subordinate to her husband if he possesses
• good qualities such as humility, kindness, gentle speech and behavior
• respectful attitude toward his wife
• protective but not an abusive controller
• dedication to serving God with love and devotion
• similarly sharing his sincere emotions toward God with his wife and children
• a teacher by example that exemplifies his beliefs and values, patient, tolerant and compassionate
• If he can control his lust, anger and greed by regulated devotion, he will easily gain the respect of his wife and
children.
Because of her respect and admiration of her gentle husband, Devahuti served Kardama Muni with intimacy and great
reverence. The intimacy of husband and wife is without the pitfall of familiarity giving rise to contempt. Both husband
and wife are trained in self-control and respect by custom and habit as well as strict adherence to the Vaishnava code
of behavior that Lord Caitanya summarized, “One can chant the holy name of the Lord in a humble state of mind,
thinking himself lower than the straw in the street. One should be more tolerant than the tree, devoid of all sense of
false prestige and ready to offer all respects to others and not seek to be honored by one’s service. In such a state of
mind one can chant the holy name of the Lord constantly.” (Sikshashtaka 3)

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